


Don't Say I Love You

by MagicMage



Series: Joshua Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mass Effect 3, Self-Destruction, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 15:12:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2155218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMage/pseuds/MagicMage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua Shepard really loves Kaidan Alenko, has done since they first worked together on the Normandy SR-1. He's wanted to tell him for just as long, but just because they're in a relationship now doesn't make it any easier. He's too busy, the galaxy is too busy. And, he's afraid of getting his heart trampled on if Kaidan doesn't return his feelings. </p><p>So, instead, he dances around him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Work Can't Wait

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a cute, short, fic but Joshua's a dick, as usual. So here's the first chapter of something probably angst ridden and long winded.

Commander Shepard was bad at dancing.

This was getting to be a running joke throughout the various Normandy crews. But he _had_ been dancing. Dancing with reapers, dancing with collectors, turians and krogans, asari diplomacy, salarian STG, quarian livelihood, Cerberus, time, fate, mortality. And, he'd been dancing around Kaidan.

Kaidan, of all of them, was the hardest. Kaidan hung in the balance of everything. One wrong choice, wrong move, wrong answer, and Kaidan would leave. Their hesitant agreement to just give their relationship a chance, to try, was the most terrifying thing. More than husks, more than banshees, more than brutes barrelling towards him.

If he failed his mission then that was it, he'd die. Commander Shepard had just turned out to not be as 'great' as people seemed to think he was. If he lost Kaidan...he'd have to watch him walk away again, he'd have to go on without him again. Kaidan had taken a piece of him with him the last time, he'd probably take all of him this time.

He'd always had all of him anyways.

So Joshua danced. Avoided hard questions and conversations, bore Thane and Legion's deaths in silence and then cried behind closed, locked, doors while others were supposed to be sleeping, left words unsaid, and never pushed Kaidan for anything. No matter what he wanted, or what he wanted to say, he kept it to himself. He let Kaidan lead, he waited.

Still, there were times that he longed for the relationship he'd dreamed of on the SR-1. He wanted the chance to touch Kaidan, to sleep in the same bed with him more than once, to kiss him whenever he felt like, to love him. To tell him that he loved him.

Joshua sat on his couch in the lower half of his cabin, rubbing at the sore gunshot wound on his shoulder. A cannibal had shot through his shields and armour on the last mission. Even with medigel and Chakwas' patching up afterwards the wound ached. They'd been trying to secure an Alliance base, at least temporarily.

...Everything was temporary. He'd done nothing permanent, the reapers continued to breathe down their necks. Every alliance he'd secured, planet he'd helped, even the newly recovered quarian home world would be gone if he failed even once, and he'd never get the chance to tell Kaidan how he had felt for four years.

He was the one thing he wanted out of this. He didn't want credits, or fame, or glory. He wanted Kaidan.

He sighed at the frustration his thoughts were giving him. He had about ten datapads full of reports and information to go through. A glance at the clock on his bedside table told him it was nearing 4am.

“Joshua.” EDI's always fully awake and casual voice pulled him back with a jolt. “I did not mean to startle you, I just wanted to inform you that Tali is coming up in the elevator,” she told him. Joshua frowned, Tali should have been sleeping.

“Oh,” he replied, staring blankly at the datapad in his hand briefly before setting it down. “Unlock the door then.”

“Done, let me know if you need anything else.” Sometimes he thought that he could feel her presence leave a room, now was not one of those times, he felt like she was watching.

When Tali came in she was practically skipping. She'd been in a really good mood since Rannoch, not that he could blame her. He was certain she'd been smiling from ear to ear constantly, though she'd been a little upset over Legion.

Joshua himself was still getting over the high of taking down a reaper, but he'd also been made painfully aware that he'd been milliseconds away from death and subsequently being unable to ever tell Kaidan—

“Sorry Shepard,” Tali said as she came down the stairs, though she sounded positively gleeful. “I asked EDI who was awake and she said just you so...”

Joshua looked up at her smiling pleasantly. “Can't sleep?” he asked, motioning to the couch with an upturned hand. Tali sat, leaning forward with her hands on her knees, clenching and unclenching them like she wanted to be doing something with them.

“No!” she exclaimed happily. “All these reports and stories are coming from Rannoch and I want to read all of them!”

Joshua chuckled. “It must be exciting, getting a planet after not having one for so long.” He ignored the pang he felt for Earth, and Mindoir. This was about Tali, about her win for her people, even if it was only temporary. Tali looked at him, he hated that he could never read her expression, only knowing she was thinking because her hands had stopped moving.

“You're preoccupied,” she said. He shrugged, unsure he wanted to burst her massive bubble with his troubles. “Why are you up? I mean, _I'm_ not quite adjusted to the Normandy's time yet, but you...”

“Busy,” he replied. “Not too busy for a break, but busy...” Tali nodded. She'd been on the Normandy for only a week and a bit, but it already felt like she belonged there again. He'd missed running into her in engineering.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tali asked. When he shrugged she continued, “You just helped me win _my_ war, Shepard.”

He looked away, staring at the bed he hadn't used in three days.

“It'll be fine,” he decided out loud, shifting so that he was angled toward her. They'd been good friends for so long and even though he didn't want to trouble her with his problems, he had missed her.

“If you're sure?” She tilted her head, folding her hands on her lap and sighing when he didn't reply. “In that case how are _you_ Shepard?” That question was loaded. Joshua shuffled, not wanting to answer. “I heard that you made up with Kaidan, it's good to see him on our side again.”

“Yeah, though you didn't have to see him when he wasn't.” Joshua nodded, staring at the fish tank.

“I never seem to be here when it counts,” Tali grumbled, resting an elbow on the back of the couch and leaning into her hand.

“Trust me, it counts Tali,” Joshua said, looking back at her. He wondered if she smiled.

“Thanks, Shepard,” she said softly, sounding a bit embarrassed. Joshua shifted, rubbing at his sore shoulder again. “Does that hurt?” Tali asked. He shrugged. “So it really hurts then,” she said slyly. Joshua shrugged again. Tali sighed, crossing her arms. “Come on Shepard, tell me something, anything. What's new? What have you been doing?”

Joshua frowned at her. “What do you want to know?” he asked. He wasn't going to spout random information at her.

She shifted closer, shoulders bent forward as she leaned into her hands on her knees. “How are you and Kaidan doing?” she asked, tone playful. Joshua's frown was exchanged for a look of slight surprise.

“Fine?” he asked, looking around at his models, the fish, the bed, and finding no help. He didn't want to have this conversation with anyone. Tali's intentions were probably innocent, but even so, this was his conversation to have with himself. Involving others wouldn't help.

“Really?” Tali crossed her arms again. “That's not what Garrus told me.”

“What did Garrus tell you?” he demanded disbelievingly. “I'll throw him out at the next planet we get to!” He didn't mean it and it was clear in his tone, it just made Tali giggle.

“Just that you were stuck,” Tali said, pulling her legs up and sitting cross legged on the couch. So, clearly she wasn't planning on going anywhere.

“Oh good,” Joshua complained. “Did he also tell the private who spends all his free time sitting under the stairs in engineering?”

“Oh, so I'm now at the same level as the private under the stairs?” Tali asked, sounding mock hurt.

“Hmm.” Joshua shrugged, his mind and gaze going back to the unread datapads on the table in front of him. He didn't have time to sit and talk about things which would never matter in the grand scheme of things. It didn't matter if he and Kaidan were 'stuck' if he screwed up and ruined this for everyone. He was lucky enough to even be able to have Kaidan on his squad again. He needed to use that luck to make the galaxy better for everyone, not just himself. Without thinking he reached for the datapad he'd put down earlier.

“Commander?” He looked up to Tali speaking. She'd obviously said his name several times. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, just busy,” Joshua said, and Tali tilted her head again.

“You looked sad,” she observed. Joshua sighed. “Maybe you should talk to him—Kaidan,” she suggested, leaning forward slightly.

Joshua waved her off. “No, everything's fine,” he replied nonchalantly.

Tali sighed exasperatedly. “Fine, but at least let me help you with these.” she reached forward, taking a datapad without waiting for an answer and promptly starting to read it.

“Fine,” Joshua relented, feeling minutely grateful, looking back down at his own datapad and saying nothing more.

They sat in silence, reading the datapads until the morning tones rang to signal shift change.

-o-

Joshua sat in the starboard observation deck, blinking blearily at space and desperately trying to keep his eyes open. He had three new reports to read, he did _not_ have time for sleep. Just past 1 in the morning and he had managed to get as little sleep as possible in the past four days, but coffee had stopped working and his brain was starting to lag miserably.

He was pretty sure he had spent the last hour doing more staring than reading. He was about to get up and smuggle some stimulant shots out of the medbay while Chakwas was sleeping. They made him feel like he'd slept and they'd give him an extra twelve hours of function, even if the crash was awful. But then the door slid open.

“Shepard!” It was Kaidan, who was obviously surprised that he was there. He looked up as Kaidan came up next to the couch. “I was just going to sit here for a few minutes while... What're you doing here?”

Joshua held up the datapad. “Working.”

“It's almost 3 in the morning!” Kaidan protested.

“No.” Joshua frowned and shook his head. “It's just past 1...”

“It's 3 Shepard,” Kaidan said, looking down at him blankly.

Joshua checked the time on his omnitool, 2:55am. “Oh.” He was certain he hadn't dozed off, but maybe...

Kaidan rounded the couch and sat beside him. “Well, what're you working on?” he asked. Joshua looked down at his datapad, staring at the information on the screen and realising he had _no_ idea what it was he'd been apparently reading.

“Uhm...report on...” The words fuzzed in his vision. “something...” he mumbled. Kaidan took hold of the datapad, plucking it from his grip without any trouble.

“You don't even know what you're reading,” Kaidan told him, chuckling softly. Joshua sighed, shrugging tiredly. He really just wanted to finish his work, finish everything. His body wasn't cooperating with him, he didn't have time for this.

Kaidan leaned over and kissed him and he felt his stomach drop out. His memory automatically shifting to their nights on the Citadel in his apartment. God, he just wanted to tell him everything, how much he loved him, how much he needed him. He shifted closer and turned to Kaidan when he pulled away, not wanting to lose the contact.

Just like every other time he'd been this close to Kaidan, he wanted him, but this was not the time. He wasn't sure that it ever would be again. He'd thoroughly enjoyed their two short nights together, they were both nights he'd never expected to have in the first place. He felt lucky enough for his chance to have them.

Kaidan, he realised suddenly, was staring at him with a strange look on his face.

“What are you doing up?” Joshua asked, trying to escape the look because it was unfamiliar, it was scaring him. He didn't know what it meant. He knew it was stupid, but when he couldn't read Kaidan's expression it bothered him.

“Adams was snoring, and for some reason I couldn't sleep through it,” Kaidan explained. “I figured I'd sit here until I was tired enough to fall asleep again... Shepard, when was the last time you slept?” The tone of the conversation went from thoughtful to stern so quickly that Joshua couldn't keep up, rubbing his face and shrugging as he processed.

“Yesterday sometime?” he answered, but found himself struggling to remember when yesterday was. No, he didn't want to have this conversation. He struggled to his feet, swaying only a bit. He just needed to be up for a bit longer. “M'going to the medbay,” he muttered, opening his eyes to see Kaidan frowning at him.

“Chakwas is sleeping,” Kaidan reminded him.

“Yeah, I know, that's why I'm going there now,” he replied, turning to the door as Kaidan stood.

“You're the one who's been taking her energy stimulant shots,” he observed. When Joshua looked over his shoulder at him he saw his arms were crossed over his chest, the datapad hanging from his hand. He looked displeased, maybe a bit concerned. “Shepard, that stuff's not good for you, it's for emergencies and missions back to back.”

Joshua shrugged. “This _is_ an emergancy.”

“Chakwas told me she's been recording at least one missing a week since the Citadel coup. She was on the verge of reporting it to you because she thought someone may have got addicted...though this definitely explains why EDI said it was best she didn't know who it was taking them.” Kaidan sighed. Joshua found his gaze settling on the floor at the door.

Damn it, why did Chakwas have to talk about things and check her inventory so thoroughly? Next time they were on the Citadel he'd just have to get some of his own with this Spectre clearance.

“...you mad?” he asked cautiously, glancing over his shoulder at him.

“Well...yeah Shepard. How am I supposed to trust you to take care of all this,” he gestured around them, “when you can't even take care of yourself?”

Joshua pursed his lips, ignoring his stomach plummeting when Kaidan said yes, and affecting a neutral expression. Had Kaidan meant the Normandy, or the galaxy when he said 'all this'? Either way, he could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“Kay,” he muttered, turning back around and holding his hand out. “I need that datapad back,” this he said with more conviction, and Kaidan sighed, but reluctantly handed it back to him.

“Shep—“

“Don't worry about it, your concerns have been duly noted Major.” He put on a reassuring smile. Kaidan's expression was unreadable.

“I'm just worried Shepard.” he said, sounding a bit desperate.

“Yeah. I know.” Joshua nodded, turning back to the door and taking a step forward so that it opened. “This is such a big mess, how can I clean it up if I'm not rested for the challenge?” He stepped through the door.

“No, Shepard, that's not what I—“ The door shut.

For a moment he stood, staring at the lift and half expecting Kaidan to come after him, but he didn't. He glanced down at the datapad in his hand. He still had reports to read. He sighed.

Kaidan just didn't understand, there was no way to take care of the entire galaxy if he was spending time sleeping and wasting time. He didn't have time for laziness, he needed to keep going until he couldn't anymore. If that meant throwing himself into his work for several days at a time then he just needed to do it.

The reason he needed the shots was _because_ the galaxy was counting on him.

He turned around the corner, going past the lift and on his way to the medbay.

Double checking to make sure that no one was in the medbay, which was highly unlikely at 3 in the morning anyways, Joshua went over to where the shots were kept.

As he gave himself the shot he scrolled back to the last place he remembered on the datapad. The result was almost instantaneous. His mind cleared, sleep ebbing from it before it was gone altogether. He felt his muscles relinquish their ache, the wound on his shoulder relaxed.

This would give him a good twelve hours before he crashed completely and was forced to sleep, which was perfect. That way he'd have enough time to finish reading the reports and replying to them, with a bit of time to make sure everyone was doing alright before he was forced to sleep for a few hours.

He returned to the lift, glancing at it for a moment before turning away and going into the lounge instead. There was no point in being in the captain's cabin if he was just going to be reading, a change of scenery was good.

“Joshua, I do not think this was what the Major meant when he said to take care of yourself,” EDI told him suddenly as he sat down.

“ _Don't_ do that again,” Joshua gasped, the shock sending his heart-rate through the roof. He thought she probably did it on purpose, knowing the stimulant shot made him more susceptible to surprise.

“Sorry.” She didn't sound it. “I just thought you may want a second opinion on the situation.”

“No...I'm fine thanks,” he mumbled.

“Very well Joshua,” she replied, going silent as he looked down at the datapad and actually set about reading it. As usual, he still felt her watching him.

What he was doing was important. It wasn't just his crew or the council or the human race that was counting on him, it was every race, every planet, every individual. He didn't want to argue with Kaidan, but he couldn't give in to him this time either.

And, if staying awake and working meant he didn't have to face those dreams which had been plaguing his sleep, then so be it. He was too busy to worry about the lost, those suffering, his own failures. _Everyone_ was counting on him.

-o-

It was four hours later when Garrus walked in, arms crossed and looking decidedly displeased.

“Really?” he asked, frowning at him as the door shut.

“Yes?” Joshua asked, raising an eyebrow at him, unsure what he meant.

“I was on my way to the main battery from breakfast, where you weren't again by the way, and Kaidan mentions you've been stealing supplements from the medbay. _He_ thought you'd gone to sleep, but here you are.” Garrus approached the table in front of his couch, arms crossed. “How is that?” he asked.

“Working,” Joshua told him, holding up his datapad and then looking back down at it.

“Joshua...”

“Joshua's not here right now. Please leave a message with the VI assistant and he will get back to you when the galaxy isn't imploding.”

“Would that be me?” EDI asked.

“Apparently,” Garrus grumbled. “He doesn't even deny the supplement thievery.”

“Joshua has used fifteen energy shots since the Citadel coup, and two before that,” EDI told Garrus helpfully. Joshua groaned, rolling his eyes.

“This is my ship, and I'm commanding officer, I didn't steal anything. EDI you're a tattle tale.”

Garrus just gaped at him. “The Citadel coup was just two months ago!” he protested. “That's...almost two a week. EDI, why didn't you say anything?”

“Because I am _not_ a tattle tale. Joshua did not appear to be doing any permanent damage, though he has recently made me reanalyse that observation,” she said. Joshua went back to reading.

“Give me that,” Garrus tugged the datapad out of his hand.

“Hey!” He reached for it, but Garrus was already leaving. Joshua jumped to his feet. “I need that! I still have about eight hours left and that's important data!”

“Yeah?” Garrus asked, already at the door. Joshua followed. “I'll take care of it,” Garrus said, going into the hall.

“What do you expect me to do for eight hours, Garrus?” he demanded frustratedly.

“Nothing!” Garrus called back, throwing a sarcastic look over his shoulder. “ _And_ I'm tellling Chakwas to move those shots,” he rounded the corner into the mess hall.

“Screw you man!” Joshua called after him. Garrus's head poked back around the corner.

“Fuck you too,” he replied calmly. Joshua scowled after him as he disappeared around the corner again.

He stood in the hall, unsure what he should do now. EDI didn't offer her opinion, apparently content to leave him there after stirring up trouble. His next batch of reports weren't scheduled to arrive until 6 that evening, and he couldn't stand in the war room until 4 staring at nothing.

Liara came around the corner, clearly expecting him. “When was the last time you ate Shepard?” she asked. Dammit Garrus.

“I dunno,” he replied, getting no results when he wracked his brain. “I stole a protein bar—“

“Not good enough,” Liara said, turning to go back into the mess hall. “Come.” He followed, he had nothing else to do. Garrus had probably planned this somehow. “Please don't run yourself ragged Shepard,” she whispered as he fell into step with her.

Joshua sighed, why wouldn't they leave him alone?

So, without much protest, fifteen minutes later they sat in Liara's office-room-thing, Joshua in her chair with an omelette, Liara typing on her console.

“Could I download the contents of my datapads to your terminal remotely?” he asked.

“Absolutely not,” she replied sternly, not missing a beat in her typing.

“So I could,” he determined, taking a bite of his food. She didn't reply, but continued to type for several minutes while Joshua picked at his food. He hated needing to eat.

“How are you and Kaidan doing?” she asked nonchalantly, obviously bidding for a subject change.

Why did everyone ask him that?

“Fine,” he replied. Liara sighed softly.

“I'd rather you not lie to me Shepard. He thought you'd gone to bed this morning and you hadn't,” she said, not looking up, but sounding disappointed.

“He just misunderstood me,” he told her, shrugging.

“Lying is not the way to nourish a relationship Shepard,” she pointed out, clearly not believing a word he'd said.

“How would you know?” he asked, sulking at her. He hadn't meant the hurt, but he saw it on Liara's face when she turned around.

“Shepard...”

“Sorry,” he grumbled, taking another bite of his food. “Thanks for this,” he added, feeling badly. She constantly made things for him when he forgot to eat and he was not doing a very good job of showing his appreciation.

Liara sighed again. “You're always welcome,” she said, tugging a second chair over and sitting across from him. “Now, how are you and Kaidan?”

“Liara...” he whined. He didn't want to have this conversation, why did everyone keep trying to have this conversation with him?

“I just noticed that you two don't seem to spend any time together, and you seem to feel uncomfortable talking about it. Are you okay?” She smiled reassuringly, but he frowned.

Of course he didn't want to talk about it, he wanted to be left alone. If people kept asking him, he'd keep thinking about it. Think about how, somewhere in his core, he was lonely and didn't feel like he was in a relationship with Kaidan at all. More like they were friends with benefits. He wanted a real relationship with him, he wanted to love him.

“Liara, you're a pretty private person, right?” he asked. She sat back in her chair with her arms crossed. “Just let me deal with it, it's _fine_ ,” he said, shrugging, leaning forward slightly and hunching his shoulders.

“Do you love him? Because it's not just you I worry about, Kaidan is a friend too and if you hurt him—”

He looked up at her and she fell silent, just staring at him. He didn't know what she'd seen in his expression, but it made her drop the subject entirely. Instead she just observed him quietly as he finished his omelette.

When he finished he stood up, “I'm not going to hurt him,” he assured her. “He doesn't... Anyways, thanks for breakfast.”

He turned to the door, quickly escaping even though Liara called after him as he went. She didn't come after him, which he was glad for because he couldn't take any more talking.

He was tempted, as he put away his dishes, to go get his datapad back from Garrus, but thought against it. The last time Garrus had confiscated his work and he'd tried to get it back Garrus had said he would _fight him_ if he tried again. He didn't feel like fighting an angry turian. Turians had claws.

He wondered what Kaidan was doing. He missed the days on the SR-1 when Kaidan had spent so much time outside of his locker, so that he had excuses to bump into him. Now he was tucked away, Joshua had no good reason to go into the observation deck.

He didn't even know if Kaidan wanted to see him, unsure if Garrus had told him about his...minor deception from earlier that morning. Kaidan would not be happy if that was the case, he might leave. Joshua swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. He really just wanted to be able to love Kaidan, but it was probably never going to happen.

But the possibility that Kaidan had heard hung heavily over him, and he found himself at the door to the starboard observation deck anyways.

Kaidan was talking on his omnitool when Joshua entered, sparing a glance up at him before focusing on the datapad in his hand and continuing to speak to whomever he was talking to.

For a moment Joshua hovered, listening to Kaidan converse. He wanted to sit next to him, but he wasn't sure if Kaidan was angry with him yet. He didn't want to sit next to him if, whenever Kaidan finished up, he was just going to get angry.

So Joshua shuffled, glanced around the room, noticed there were shelves for some reason, and then approached the glass of the observation window. It always made him a little bit nervous, probably because of how he'd died on the SR-1, but he leaned against the window and stared out into the nothingness of space anyways.

Now was not the time to be scared by a window which had held when it was shot by Oculi, not when he needed to be brave enough to face reaper lasers.

His mind wandered. Even with the manufactured energy running through his system he found himself struggling with keeping his mind on track. Without the datapad to stare at and a clear goal to focus on his mind took on a life of his own.

He could barely hear the conversation going on behind him, instead trying really hard to focus on the expanse beyond the window. If he stared out long enough he could probably fool himself that everything was going well. There was so much space between all the problems, so much area where nothing happened.

If he tried hard enough he could pretend they were in a room where they could float forever, through space with just the two of them.

He jumped as arms encircled his waist, a chin on his shoulder.

“Hey,” Kaidan said, resting his head against his neck. Joshua wondered if Kaidan could feel his heart hammering in his chest.

“Hey,” he replied, running his hand over Kaidan's arm.

“Are you feeling any better?” Kaidan asked. Obviously Garrus had _not_ said anything to Kaidan...he would thank him later. He just wanted Kaidan to know...

He sighed softly, rubbing his thumb over Kaidan's hand. Oh, right, Kaidan had asked him a question.

“I'm fine,” he told him. His body felt too hot everywhere, he wasn't sure if it was a side affect of the shot or just because Kaidan was touching him. Sometimes he felt like a teenager again when Kaidan was near him. He was frustrated and desperate and seventeen all over again.

“Good. I was just getting some of my own work done,” Kaidan explained, squeezing him. He really wished that they were on the Citadel. Here, anyone could walk in, and EDI was definitely watching them.

Joshua turned his head so he could see Kaidan resting on his shoulder. He had no reason to be here, he realised, if Kaidan wasn't angry at him. He needed to go find something else to do, standing here and doing nothing wouldn't amount to anything. So he turned in Kaidan's grip so that he was facing him, Kaidan letting him do it and watching him for a moment afterwards.

“Yeah, I guess I'd better get back to work too,” Joshua said. Kaidan's mouth twisted to the side accompanied by what looked like pity. He would have resented the look on anyone else, but he could pretty much forgive Kaidan anything.

“You know you can rest sometimes, right?” Kaidan asked him, backing him up so that his back was pressed against the glass of the window. Joshua ignored how his stomach clenched at the idea of the glass cracking.

“I don't have time,” he replied, looking over Kaidan's shoulder at the door. Kaidan gripped his chin and he refocused on him.

“What can you do right now Shepard? We're en route to our next destination, we'll deal with it when we get there.” Kaidan angled his chin upwards slightly and kissed him. Joshua's arms automatically wrapped around Kaidan's neck and shoulders, his eyes closing.

Kaidan was wrong though. There was so much which needed to be done, even with Garrus stealing his reports he still had things to do. He could go down and help out in engineering, or check up on the troop formations in the war room, or sit up in the cockpit and help Joker with resource scanning. He could go up to his cabin and see if there were any more last minute reports which he'd missed, messages which needed to be addressed.

He pressed his forehead against Kaidan's as he broke the kiss, his eyes still closed because if he kept them closed he could almost imagine they were on the Citadel again, almost pretend he didn't hear the Normandy's ever present low hum. He could pretend that they were alone and that everything was all right.

“I should go...” he whispered, pulling away and opening his eyes to see Kaidan sighing and nodding slowly.

“Yeah...okay.”

As they pulled apart from each other Joshua got that feeling he always had when he had to leave Kaidan. Like a gravitational pull between the two of them which he forcibly had to remove himself from. He wondered if Kaidan ever felt the same thing...he doubted it.

“I'll talk to you later Kaidan,” he said, as he escaped the room. He had to do something, no matter how much he wanted to stay and do nothing for hours. Kaidan would thank him for it some day. There was no time to be idle.


	2. The Line

The crash that came after the high of the energy shots always made him wonder, at the time, whether their use was at all beneficial. The sudden and drastic swing in mood, the shaking, the 5-8 hours of sleep that couldn't be avoided, and the occasional panic all seemed like a tall price to pay at the time, but several days later with a total of 15 hours of sleep in one week the price didn't seem so high.

Joshua was livid. Garrus, and probably Kaidan, had obviously told Chakwas to move said shots and he'd been unable to find them the night before. He couldn't be angry at Kaidan, it was something which he apparently wasn't capable of. Exasperated? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Angry? No.

So, with a severe lack of sleep and a great deal of frustration, Joshua entered the main battery. Garrus didn't turn around, just typed away on his console. Having expected Garrus to turn around, his lack of action disarmed Joshua slightly. He was bad at keeping angry thoughts simmering. All at once he found himself wondering if Garrus was okay instead of being angry like he'd planned.

“Garrus,” Joshua said, getting a glance from Garrus over his shoulder before he went back to his work.

“Hi Joshua,” Garrus replied blankly. Garrus was the only person on the ship besides EDI who consistently called him by his first name. Unless he was on the battlefield or talking business, Garrus called him by his first name.

He could hear the exhaustion in his tone.

“Are you okay?” Joshua asked, going up beside him and turning to lean his hip on Garrus's console so that they were facing each other. Garrus looked tired, his shoulders slouched forward slightly and his deep-set eyes heavy.

“Yes,” Garrus told him. “Just busy.”

Joshua crossed his arms. “Me too,” he replied, feeling his frustration from earlier come crawling back.

Garrus snorted. “Don't say that, your ‘busy’ makes my ‘busy’ look like a walk in the Presidium.”

“So then why did you have Chakwas move the energy shots?” Joshua asked, a slight whine creeping into his voice.

Garrus glanced up at him, both looking neutral and like he was asking 'really?' with his eyes. But Joshua wasn't backing down, for all he wasn't angry anymore he had still come to confront Garrus on his apparent 'insubordination'… Not that Garrus could really be insubordinate, he was more like a friend who just so happened to hang around a lot in his work place and also helped out a lot than a subordinate.

Garrus sighed finally, crossing his arms. “I'm not going to let you screw yourself over.”

They stared at each other, neither backing down. Joshua leaned against the console to try and make his posture relaxed while his expression was tense to show that he was in charge of the situation. Garrus just watched him with his eyes slightly narrowed.

“I need them. I need to get my work done,” Joshua insisted. “What happens, after all of this, happens but...”

Garrus sighed, shaking his head and shuffling his weight back and forth. “You need to get by without them, they're making it too easy for you to keep skipping sleep, and meals,” Garrus told him, going back to his console. “In this case, the sacrifice of the one would _not_ save the many, and it wouldn't be worth it even if it would.”

Joshua frowned at him, narrowing his eyes and pursing his lips. Their conversation was not done, he didn't want it to be done, but when he opened his mouth to protest Garrus fixed him with a dull look and said, “I'm in the middle of some calibrations, later?”

Joshua gaped at him, having not been brushed off for 'calibrations' in ages. It stung a bit. He didn’t like how Garrus used it to shut him out, or effectively end a conversation with the perceived upper hand.

“Fine!” he snapped, dragging his hand across a few keys as he walked past just to screw Garrus up. “Do your stupid calibrations,” he grumbled as he stomped through the door with Garrus's huff following him.

Truthfully, he wouldn't have interfered with the work of anyone else, Garrus was the exception. Garrus let him behave like a child sometimes. Somewhere, in a place he didn't know, he was thankful. Besides, Garrus could probably fix whatever mess he’d just made with a few key strokes and some colourful turian swear words.

“Joshua, please refrain from tampering with integral parts of the Normandy's weapon systems in the future,” EDI instructed him over the intercom.

“Sorry EDI...” he grumbled, rubbing his hand down his face. The lack of sleep was getting to him, not that he'd admit it out loud.

“Joshua,” EDI said in a lower tone that she tended to reserve for private talks with him. “I believe strongly that you should get some sleep.”

“It's 8AM EDI,” he told her even though she'd know.

“And you have not slept for 32 hours,” EDI told him. “At this point the time of day should not matter.”

“I'm going to come help you fly the ship, since you seem to be spending more time watching me than doing your job,” Joshua retorted.

“Jeff helps me fly the ship,” EDI replied neutrally.

“Don't let him hear you say that,” Joshua warned, heading up through the mess hall to the lift anyways.

Sometimes he liked to sit in the second co-pilot’s chair and do nothing, sometimes he liked to read all the reports and readings, sometimes he like to help. This time he wanted to sit with the datapad he'd left at his private terminal in the CIC and be left to his own devices.

He grabbed the data pad from his desk and headed to the cockpit, saying hello and offering help to anyone who approached him. Once, he would have known all of their names, known all of their backgrounds, who they were as a person instead of as a military worker. But now he knew only a few names, recognised them by their rank and their face instead of their voice or their mannerisms.

He told himself it was because he didn't have enough time to juggle all of the drama which each individual life always came with. In reality it was more like he didn't want to add one more name to the list of people who would turn their backs on him as soon as he made a decision they didn't like. That and he couldn’t handle having to face the loss of all of them when the end of this war eventually came, if ever.

As he entered the cockpit it became apparent that Joker wasn't really interested in leaving him to his own devices today.

“Hey look it's not-sleeping beauty,” he said without turning around as Joshua entered, apparently having been warned that he was coming up.

“Funny,” Joshua grumbled.

“I thought so,” Joker said, echoed by EDI.

“Well I'm going to sit here and get actual work done, so you two can focus your shtick on each other,” he told them, sitting in his chair behind EDI and silently reading his datapad.

“He's no fun like this,” Joker complained, but said nothing else. EDI and Joker went about their work while Joshua set his gaze on the datapad he’d brought with him, settling in for yet another long bout of reading.

Sometime later Joshua woke up to Joker speaking again.

“How long has he been out back there?”

“3.2 hours,” EDI replied smoothly. Joshua kept his eyes shut, more because he couldn't be bothered to open them than because he wanted to feign sleep.

“It’s creepy how you know that...well what do I do with him? Get him a blanket and a kiss on the forehead?” Joker asked.

“Leave him alone, Jeff.”

“Easy for you to say, you've never actually fallen asleep in one of these chairs before, he _can't_ be sleeping well,” Joker replied sceptically.

“You would be surprised,” EDI told him softly.

Joshua drifted out again.

_He dreamt of being warm, of Kaidan leaning over him and kissing him on the forehead and himself muttering his love to him. He wanted it so badly that he ached while he dreamt, desperately wanting Kaidan to return the sentiment, but the dream shifted._

_It changed into darkness. Murky, freezing, water as far as the scant light would allow him to see, splashing and flowing up over his head, into his mouth, as people cried for help. His arms and legs wouldn't move. With each second he felt like he was sinking deeper. He would die before he could reach the people, he knew it in his very soul._

He awoke with a start. EDI leaned over him looking mildly concerned.

“Are you alright Joshua?” she asked. He looked around blearily. Apparently Joker, or someone, _had_ got him a blanket.

Joker had turned his chair around and was watching him with concern as well. Great, just what he needed, _Joker_ worrying about him too.

He scrubbed a hand down his face. “'m fine,” he replied, sleep still slurring his words.

Joker looked at him with sympathy, a foreign look that Joshua didn't like in the slightest. “Bad dreams huh?”

Joshua narrowed his eyes at him for a short moment before turning back to the readings on the screen in front of his chair. “Doesn't mean I can't do my job,” he said defensively.

He already suspected that Liara knew about the dreams, she always showed up after he had one in the cabin as if she had a camera in there. Garrus had known since their little 'bro date' on the Citadel when he'd fallen asleep in the car on the way back to the Normandy. EDI knew, but he couldn't keep anything from her.

“Hmm... Pretty sure I never said that,” Joker replied, turning his chair back around. “We all have them Commander...well except EDI. I think if she had them we'd end up parked on a gas giant or driven into a star or something.”

It should have been funny, but instead Joshua stared down at his lap, one hand running over the grey Alliance standard blanket over his knees. EDI still stood next to him, watching him closely. He was stuck on the dream of Kaidan, how warm and safe he'd felt. He felt anxiety grip his belly.

“You didn't call Kaidan right?” he asked. Kaidan already didn't think he could handle his assignment, if he thought he was having nightmares, like some sort of child, he—

“Why would we—“Joker started, glancing up over his shoulder, but EDI interrupted.

“We did not,” she said reassuringly, a small smile on her face. She went back to her chair and sat down. Joshua's sigh of relief was audible, but neither Joker nor EDI commented. They just made short eye contact and then went back to their work.

Of any person on the ship he didn't want Kaidan to know about his dreams. Every time he woke up he felt more ashamed of himself. Besides the fact that he just didn't have time for the terrible feelings which the dreams left him with, he hadn't had nightmares like the ones he was having since Akuze, before that Mindoir. Nothing even remotely like Akuze or Mindoir had happened.

Yes, people he cared for had died, but he didn't have time to lose his mind over it right now and his subconscious didn't seem to understand that. Being in control of himself, mind and body, had been something which he had always prized himself in. It was the reason he’d been accepted for N7 training, he knew that, and right now losing control of his mind was not an option.

And Kaidan absolutely couldn't find out about it. Ever.

A glance at his omnitool told him that it was now 4PM and that he'd slept for 7 hours, give or take. What a waste of time. He could have been doing any number of things and instead he'd spent the better part of the day _sleeping in the cockpit_ , of all places.

He was surprised that EDI wasn't gloating, he _had_ fallen asleep instead of 'helping her fly the ship' like he'd threatened after all. Instead she remained quiet, and while he was thankful for it he was sure she'd use it against him later. Logging away data (or blackmail) for later was one of her biggest pastimes.

He stared blankly at the screen in front of him, his mind wandering back to the dream he'd had of Kaidan. He desperately wanted more of that feeling, like he was safe and warm. It was a feeling he'd had very few times in his life, was surprised that his mind could even remember what it felt like. He couldn't delude himself into believing that if he went to go find Kaidan that it would be anything like that though. He knew it would be awkward and that he'd be nervous with every word that left his mouth.

 _That_ word in particular would probably never leave his mouth, not if it meant losing Kaidan. No matter how much he ached for that feeling.

When he looked up again EDI was watching him over her shoulder.

“Perhaps you should go and get some real sleep Joshua. We will be arriving at our destination at 0800 hours tomorrow,” she told him.

Joshua sighed. She was right, she often was right, and this time at least, he couldn't argue with her. Lack of sleep could severely hinder his abilities and endanger his squad. He would never intentionally endanger his squad, and she knew it, which was probably why she was insisting he sleep more.

“Yeah...okay,” he decided out loud, standing from his chair and grabbing the datapad which had fallen to the floor while he slept.

“Sleep tight Shepard,” Joker said, without turning around.

“Good night Joshua,” EDI said as he rounded his chair and headed to the door.

“Yeah, night,” he called back as the door shut behind him, his mind reminding him morosely that it was _only_ 4PM.

As he wandered through the CIC, briefly checking in with this crew member and that one, Kaidan came up in the lift. Kaidan made a B-line for him, which both intrigued and unnerved him. Kaidan never wanted him for anything.

“Hey Shepard,” he said, coming to a stop a little too close in a way that made the less observant crew raise eyebrows and the more observant crew smile then look away respectfully. Joshua nodded to the ensign he'd been talking to and she scurried off.

“Yeah?” he asked, giving Kaidan his undivided attention and trying not to show that he was nervous about Kaidan wanting something.

“I was just looking for you, what were you doing?”

Dreaming about you, he thought. “Going to bed,” he said.

“At four in the afternoon?” Kaidan asked, crossing his arms. “When was the last time you slept?”

“About ten minutes ago,” Joshua replied, suppressing a yawn.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.” And, done with the questions, he stepped around Kaidan and continued on his way to the lift. Kaidan followed, oddly enough, and got onto the lift behind him.

“If you say so,” he relented as Joshua punched in the button to his room. Kaidan did not push the button for whatever floor he was going to, instead turning to Joshua and tentatively putting a hand on his shoulder. “I wanted to talk about the other night,” he said.

Joshua's stomach clenched. Had he known about the lie after all? Had he been hiding his anger all this time? Was he going to pick a fight over it now? Was this it?

Kaidan leaned in to kiss him gently on the corner of his lip as the lift door opened. “When I said I was worried I—“

“I took your statement to heart,” Joshua told him, slipping out of Kaidan's hold and out of the lift. “That's what the sleep's for.”

Kaidan looked after him with dismay, but he didn't see it with his back turned. He was too focused on trying to get away in case it was a trap.

“Shepard...” Kaidan sighed, following him as far as the threshold of the cabin, a clear line that silently told him he could go no further without explicit permission. Joshua hated that line. There was another kiss, this time on the only skin visible on his neck, just under his ear. “Get some sleep.” Kaidan told him gently, running a hand up his arm.

“Yes sir,” he replied, glancing over his shoulder at Kaidan and thinking of all of the things he could do in that moment. He could invite him in, ask him to stay, he could tell him how much he needed him to be there, how much he loved him. Instead he just took another step into the cabin and Kaidan turned back to the lift.

He crossed the rest of the cabin, tossing his datapad onto his desk on the way, and turned to sit on the bed. He rubbed a hand down his face. He just didn't want to scare Kaidan away, constantly aware that his three-year long affections for him were a little bit more solid than Kaidan's rather wishy-washy proposal to 'give it a shot'. He wasn't even sure what 'it' was. If 'it' was an actual relationship, which he'd been yearning for for years, it was at least being hinted at, but a touch here and a kiss there wasn't exactly concrete. He'd done more with complete strangers in a fraction of the time.

He really wanted Kaidan to actually take control, to cross the threshold. Joshua hated the lines which painted them as superior and subordinate. Kaidan had almost managed to cross them at Apollo's, managed to cross them in his apartment...maybe the Normandy was just too official, too workplace. Though, and it wasn't the first time, he was feeling a little pinch of regret for staying with the Alliance. If there was no Alliance he would have had no problem just going up to Kaidan and whisking him away.

He sighed, taking off his boots and setting them down neatly next to the bed. Someone had to do it, save the galaxy, and like Mordin had said: It had to be him, someone else might get it wrong. No matter how discouraged he was, no matter how much he felt like it wasn't enough, he had to keep moving forward. He couldn’t afford to get side tracked or distracted now. Which, in the long run, just meant that anything real with Kaidan would just have to wait and possibly never happen...he'd been prepared for that outcome for some time now anyways.

With another heavy sigh he stripped off his fatigues, throwing them into the laundry, and got into the bed. It was odd, he'd stopped noticing just how tired he was, even with his earlier sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow he felt and intense weariness hit him. He didn't have very much time to dwell on it though, he fell asleep within minutes.

-o-

He awoke several hours later, out of yet another nightmare. He felt too hot, having broken out into a cold sweat, and his skin felt too tight. He lurched out of the bed, desperate to leave the thing because he was pretty sure that the Alliance had cursed it at this point.

What he wouldn’t give to sleep with the crew again. The odd half sleep with fleeting dreams caused by sleeping in a room full of people rolling, murmuring, and snoring was something he sorely missed. He’d be closer to Kaidan too, there wouldn’t be any privacy but that damn _line_ would be gone. There would be more chances for conversation when Kaidan was having coffee in the crew quarters, he had no good reason to go in there now.

Stripping out of his regulation Alliance briefs, because they even had to control what he wore under his clothes, he crossed the cabin to his modest bathroom and the shower. First he just dragged a comb through his hair and brushed his teeth, then he set about taking a shower.

He felt bad for the relief he felt when there was no warning that Liara was coming up from EDI. Hopefully she was sleeping, it was just past 12AM after all…though sometimes he wondered if Liara slept either. He was pretty sure that she did more work than he did on any given day. She definitely had more people who she had to keep track of, he just had to read about people.

He adjusted the temperature of the water until it was comfortable and then turned it on before stepping in. The water automatically soothed aches he didn’t realise he had. Just past 28 years old and he already felt like he had completed his fair share of life and was ready to be done with it. At least the wound on his shoulder wasn’t aching anymore.

As the sweat washed away and his muscles relaxed he felt better, more awake. Even though they wouldn’t be suiting up for another 7 hours, and they’d be working on their assignment for untold hours after that, he wasn’t concerned. He had no problem being awake for 24 hours without issue. That probably wasn’t a good thing, but he didn’t care at this point.

The shower was over quickly, he never took more than 10 to 15 minute showers, and he dried his hair. He gave his neck and the hair alongside his ears a quick buzz, the length was starting to annoy him again, then gelled his hair back and went out in search of fresh fatigues to put on.

He’d worn the captain’s garb when the SR-2 had been Cerberus, it was the most inconspicuous to non-Cerberus and he’d been able to remove the awful Cerberus crest from it. He’d worn his slightly fancier blues after returning to the Alliance, but when he’d found out that Kaidan was coming back to the SR-2 after the Citadel Coup he’d switched back into his common man military fatigues. He desperately wanted to break down the lines between them.

Finally he tugged on his boots, completely ready for the day, and left the cabin in search of coffee.

The crew deck was empty. The night crew was made up of only a handful of people, who monitored engineering and communications in case of emergency. There was no random ensign prowling the mess or staff sergeant wandering around keeping people in order. It was just Joshua, Joshua and the constant low hum of the Normandy as she picked her way through space.

That low hum was like home now. He’d never understood what Tali had meant when she said that the Normandy was too quiet to sleep on, but after the six months without the hum of the Normandy in the Alliance detention centre in Vancouver he’d known exactly what she meant.

Joshua put some coffee on to brew. He was pretty sure he was one of the only people who did, seeing as he was usually ‘up’ first and last. He’d heard crew members questioning how there was always coffee in the morning and if it was the ship’s AI who had done it. Joshua was…pretty sure that EDI didn’t have control of the coffee maker, but he wouldn’t be surprised if he was wrong.

As the coffee was brewing Kaidan walked in looking tired, beleaguered, and pinching the bridge of his nose. Joshua automatically knew what was wrong, having seen that posture and expression far more than once.

“EDI, could you dim the lights 35 percent please?” he asked, before even thinking about it. The compliance was instant, as Kaidan looked up in shock to see him there.

“Done,” EDI said cheerfully, she always sounded happier when he said please.

“Thanks,” He added, and could practically feel her pleasure even though she didn’t comment.

“Shepard?” Kaidan asked, managing to look bewildered before looking displeased and crossing his arms.

“I slept, I swear,” Joshua assured him, holding his hands up defensively. He had enough stress about getting in trouble for things he actually did, he didn’t want to have to worry about getting into trouble for things he hadn’t done too.

Kaidan slumped forward, like his bones had given up, and sighed, slipping into a chair at the end of the table and resting his head on his arms on it. Joshua didn’t say anything to him, just poured him a cup of coffee, filled it with sugar and cream, put it in front of him, and headed to the medbay.

It was a well-practised dance. He grabbed a bottle of vitamin water from Chakwas’s stores and a few pain meds. When he returned to the mess hall Kaidan was sitting up and sipping at his coffee. Joshua put the pain meds beside him and set the bottle of water down too.

“Drink that first.” Joshua told him, pointing at the water as he rounded the table and headed back to the kitchen. Kaidan grumbled his thanks and took the painkillers. Joshua made his coffee in silence, leaning on the corner of the island and facing Kaidan as he sipped at his water and looked exhausted.

Joshua hated this. The painkillers would or wouldn’t work, the water would or wouldn’t work, and the coffee would or wouldn’t work. Three variables he couldn’t control and he hated seeing Kaidan suffer, especially when he couldn’t help him. It was like when he’d had to see him in the medbay after Mars, when he’d snuck a kiss on his forehead when no one was looking.

At least headaches weren’t life or death.

He couldn’t just walk over to the table and kiss Kaidan now, he didn’t know if he wanted to be touched and sometimes the headaches made him nauseous. So instead of giving in to the aching need to touch and comfort Kaidan he just watched and sipped his coffee. He really just wanted to wrap him up in a blanket, put him in a soft chair, and snuggle him until the end of time…so guess what was at the top of his ‘not to do’ list.

Finally Kaidan looked up, his expression a little less pinched. His mumbled gratitude from moments before apparently wasn’t enough because now he had an odd expression on his face and said, “Thanks, Shepard,” in that husky tired voice that Joshua loved and hated because it made him want to kiss him all over again.

“Yeah,” he bit out instead of kissing him until he begged for more. “No problem.”

He felt bad that his love for Kaidan had gained so much heat. There were moments where he wondered if his love had just turned into lust. Or maybe Cerberus had just figured out how to remove his heart. A lot of his emotions these days seemed forced, faked. Maybe they’d removed his ability to feel things properly.

“So,” Kaidan began, pulling him from his thoughts. “Why are you up?”

“I thought I’d pretend I was part of the night crew,” Joshua told him, gesturing to encompass the room. Kaidan chuckled at him and he felt a warmth bloom in his chest.

“Yeah? Well the job’d be easier, that’s for sure," Kaidan replied easily, taking a sip from his coffee. Joshua stepped up to the table and took the bottle of water Kaidan hadn’t yet finished, then pressed it into Kaidan’s hand until he took it with the slightest of dirty looks.

“Besides, I have to maintain my nightly persona of ‘coffee phantom’,” he added.

Kaidan took a swig of the water and grimaced. “Shepard this stuff tastes like someone pissed in it.”

Joshua snorted. “Too bad, doctor’s orders,” he said defiantly, returning to lean against the island again.

“No, you’re not a doctor, you’re a professional torturer,” Kaidan replied, then fell silent as he drank the rest of the water and washed it down with a gulp of coffee. “You know, I’d been wondering who made the coffee. EDI’s considerate, but I don’t think she understands organics’ need for caffeine.”

“She totally heard that,” Joshua told him.

“Shit, ah sorry EDI,” Kaidan said, looking up as he did so. Joshua thought it was cute, like he thought she was god or something, talking down from the heavens.

“No offence taken Major. I believe the Commander was trying to ‘get your goat’,” EDI replied and Kaidan fixed him with a raised brow.

“Of course he was," he said. Joshua wanted to kiss him again, but he didn’t say anything, just smiled triumphantly at Kaidan and finished off his coffee.

They slipped into silence, Kaidan finishing up the rest of his coffee and looking more comfortable, Joshua agonising over the distance between them and wishing he could eliminate it. He genuinely wondered what Kaidan thought of their relationship. He wanted to ask, but he was afraid of the answer.

“So…you going back to bed?” Joshua asked, not even sure what he wanted the answer to be.

“You just fed me caffeinated coffee Shepard,” Kaidan replied.

“Oh…well…sorry,” Joshua stumbled, not making the connection that Kaidan could have just not drunk said coffee.

“Don’t worry about it, I have stuff to get done anyways,” Kaidan told him, standing and taking his cup over to the washer. He plucked Joshua’s out of his hand too as he went by, fingers lingering over his just a fraction of a second too long.

Joshua turned as Kaidan walked around him, he wanted to follow him to the washer, to push him up against it and kiss him and then drag him back up to the cabin and… He sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. The fleeting touches and heated glances were getting to him.

“Yeah, I have stuff to do too.” Like probably one hundred new reports to read through.

“You could join me?” Kaidan offered. Joshua was tempted, very tempted, but he glanced back to the lift.

“I need to go download some reports to my datapads up in CIC,” Joshua said, desperately wanting Kaidan to offer to come with him, but instead he shrugged.

Here they were, both waiting to be invited over an invisible line that they both hated, and yet neither one budged.

“Well then, I guess I’ll see you later,” Kaidan said, not sounding the least disappointed. It stung. Kaidan started heading out of the mess hall, probably to his favourite little hiding place.

“Kaidan,” Joshua called, Kaidan turned to look at him. “Will you be okay for the mission later?”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely. Don’t worry about it,” Kaidan said, waving over his shoulder and disappearing around the corner of the lift with his other hand in his pocket and looking much more relaxed than when he’d come in.

Joshua watched after him, thinking that he was _always_ worried about him. He sighed heavily as he heard the rush of the open and close of the starboard door.

The lights came up.

“Thanks EDI,” he mumbled vacantly, without really thinking about it and still staring blankly after Kaidan.

Apparently he stood there for too long, because EDI spoke up, “Commander?” Joshua jumped slightly, remembering where he was.

“Oh, right.” He started heading to the lift, and as he stepped on and punched in the CIC button EDI piped up again.

“Joshua, why did you not accept Kaidan’s offer?” she asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“It’s complicated EDI.” Joshua sighed.

“It did not seem so. He asked you to go with him and you refused,” she insisted. Despite the fact that the lift had reached the CIC floor the doors didn’t open. EDI really wanted an answer.

“I’d be too distracted to work,” Joshua replied tensely, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning heavily on one hip.

“Jeff is often distracted by me, but it only causes a 0.53 percent drop in his work ethic, does this mean I should stay out of the cockpit?” she asked him pragmatically.

“Well…no, but—“

“I feel…pleased to know that he notices me even when he’s working,” EDI added.

Joshua felt stupid, being schooled on relationships by a barely year and a half old AI. “I don’t think that Kaidan would be pleased,” Joshua told her, pushing the ‘open doors’ button on the lift and overriding her will to keep it shut.

He stepped out onto the bridge, seeing only two other people. They didn’t look up when the lift doors opened, focused on their work. He stepped up to his console, and the usual pile of datapads. Sure enough the terminal’s little green light was blinking. He checked his messages, transferring the reports to his datapads and thinking strongly about EDI’s words. She’d gone oddly quiet now, apparently not wanting to alert the other crew members to their topic of choice. He mostly appreciated it, but felt like their conversation was only half done.

He really wished it was easier, but of course he’d decided from day one to skirt the Alliance’s anti-fraternisation regs. Now he was downright breaking them, and Kaidan was so pro-Alliance that it hurt sometimes. He didn’t want to push Kaidan’s patience.

Joshua sighed again, picking up several datapads and returning to the lift. When EDI didn’t continue their conversation again, to his mild disappointment, he just returned to the cabin.

He had several long hours of reading to catch up on, no matter how much his heart stayed with the handsome major two decks below him.


	3. Nuclear Reactors

Joshua frowned as they approached the power plant in the shuttle.

“So the entire population of the plant just vanished…” Joshua wondered out loud.

“Stopped reporting in.” Steve Cortez corrected, politely adding, “Sir.” as the end as if concerned that Joshua cared that he’d been corrected. He didn’t and he knew Steve was just being polite. He was always polite, even now that they were friends.

Garrus put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention back from the cockpit of the shuttle, “Reapers?”

“Definitely. Hackett said this was a strategic point.” Joshua agreed. Garrus wandered back to lean against the wall.

“They said they sent a team in, right?” Kaidan asked from his spot on the bench by the door.

“Yeah…a Captain Lee Riley and her team.” Joshua replied, giving a quick glance over the text copy of the mission brief on the datapad in his hand.

“Then why do they need you?” Garrus asked skeptically, always wanting to stay focused on their main mission. He was constantly questioning why they needed to be travelling from one side of the galaxy to the other. Sometimes Joshua wondered if he was right, if they were wasting time.

Steve pulled in alongside the entrance to the facility. “Because he’s Commander Shepard.” he offered helpfully as the door of the shuttle opened. Garrus chuckled, apparently at least agreeing with that. “I’ll be out here fielding communications Commander, try not to blow anything up.”

Joshua threw a chastising look over his shoulder at Steve as he followed his squad mates out of the shuttle and into the facility. All he got was warm laughter in return.

“Commander Shepard.” a turian hailed him and he took a step forward. “Captain Riley is up ahead, she’ll brief you on the situation.”

“Why do people always expect you to go to them?” Garrus asked him privately through the radio in his helmet.

“I think their legs are broken.” Joshua replied, to everyone he added, “Come on.”

-o-

This mission was just like every other, something was wrong and he had to fix it. In this case it was a nuclear reactor, but it was the same general idea. He’d moved a bunch of crates around and vented the nuclear radiation from the floor of the area.

Garrus had asked why Captain Riley with her team of more than ten hadn’t been able to do it themselves.

“Maybe she didn’t want to split up the team with an unknown enemy.” Kaidan replied defensively.

Garrus scoffed, “’Unknown’, seems pretty obvious what the enemy is to me.”

Joshua was too busy radioing in that he’d vented the radiation to pay attention to their little argument.

He sighed softly as he finished the conversation with Captain Riley. “We need to go and start the reactor up again, by hand.” he told them.

Garrus sighed. “They never make these things simple do they?” he asked, moving down onto the floor which had just been swimming in radiation. Joshua was apparently more unsure than he was about walking into a space which had just held enough radiation to kill a krogan in one breath. He followed anyways, set on getting the mission over with.

As they approached the first fusion rod control Garrus looked at him. “This is going to be one of those missions where we push the button and it summons hordes of reaper forces upon is, isn’t it?” he asked. Joshua snorted, typing in the codes he’d been given to initiate the restart of the reactor.

The VI chimed that he’d succeeded—and a husk jumped down from nowhere to his left. A quick shot in the face from Garrus, who had correctly pulled out his gun just in case, downed the thing and Joshua pulled out his pistol.

“Looks like that’s exactly what mission this is Garrus.” Joshua told him as he vaulted over behind a crate. Garrus backed behind a wall beside him and Kaidan set up behind a crate across from Joshua.

“Barrier engines.” Kaidan announced, nodding up at an engine. Joshua hadn’t noticed until right now when it shot a barrier field over a marauder.

“Shit.” Garrus swore, shooting down another husk. Joshua began to queue up an overload for the barrier engine, but noticed three husks creeping up behind Kaidan and changed it to an incinerate at the last second. When he looked up again Kaidan had overloaded the barrier engine and it was slowly crumbling off of the wall.

They focused their efforts on the three marauders and the steady trickle of husks. When the last husk was down, thanks to a shot through the side of its head when it tried to bypass Garrus for Joshua, Joshua stood cautiously. He’d ended up taking another barrier engine down.

Figuring that Captain Riley had probably experienced a similar sudden influx of reaper forces he radioed her again, pointing out another barrier engine to Garrus and Kaidan as well as signalling for caution.

“Captain, status?” he asked. There was static for a moment.

“We’ve got reaper forces Commander, but the situation is under control.”

“Casualties?”

A barrier engine was blown up.

“A few, but we can handle it. You’ve got to make it to the first restart console.”

“Understood, we’ll remain in contact, Shepard out.” His omnitool bleeped at him as the new coordinates with the new instructions arrived.

“It’s only gone quiet for the moment Commander, we should hurry.” Garrus advised from a few feet away, taking aim at yet another barrier engine and shooting it off of the crate it was attached to.

“Be alert.” Joshua ordered, forwarding the coordinates to Kaidan and Garrus’s omnitools so they’d know where they were going.

“Yes sir.” they chimed in unison.

This was why he brought them with him despite one being his closest friend and the other his lover. They were both able to conduct themselves on their own, but they listened to his orders as well. They didn’t wait for his every word, instead making the easier decisions on their own.

They headed over to the next set of coordinates, Garrus ‘hmm’ed as they approached.

“Oh look, another reaper summoning button.” he muttered as Joshua approached the console. Cynical as the statement was, Garrus was probably right.

“Be prepared for anything.” he ordered as he uploaded the codes to the console. Kaidan and Garrus both dropped into defensive positions behind some of the crates as he set up the next set of restart procedures.

Sure enough, just as the procedures finalised, a shot flew past his head and through the projected screen into the wall behind it. Joshua dropped, rolling to kneel behind the same crate as Kaidan.

“You alright?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah, didn’t even touch me.” Joshua told him, firing off an incinerate at a couple of husks.

“Good.” Kaidan replied, shooting at a marauder that was crouching behind a crate a few paces away and reaving it when it popped up to return fire. Garrus and Joshua focused on a pair on the other side of the walkway, Joshua periodically switching to taking out husks.

A bullet pinged off of his helmet.

“Shields down.” He announced, ducking behind the crate. He hadn’t even noticed them phase out.

Kaidan automatically threw up a barrier to give his shields time to regenerate. His radio crackled.

“Commander, do you copy?” Riley called, through feedback and gunshots on both sides.

“Yes I copy Captain.” he called back.

“We’re taking heavy losses Commander! I…I don’t think we’re going to make it.” she explained, panic trickling into her voice. He’d heard that kind of panic many times before.

“No, you’re going to be fine. I’ll…I-“

“They’re getting torn to pieces over here Commander!” Steve added, like he didn’t know that already.

“I’ll go Shepard.” Kaidan offered, and Joshua’s heart stopped in his chest.

“You’ll wh-“

“I’ll go provide support, there’s not much time!” he insisted, added, “I’m on my way!” to Captain Riley before springing up and out of cover. The sudden movement forced Joshua to provide cover fire as he disappeared down the walkway rather than arguing.

“Shepard!” He barely heard Garrus calling his name, too busy staring after Kaidan and seeing Virmire and hearing himself say goodbye to Ashley. “Joshua!”

He flinched from his thoughts at the sound of his name, and the desperation if Garrus’s tone, just in time to turn and see a husk barrelling down on him. Panic turned into adrenaline and he thrust his omnitool blade into the thing’s chest.

“Shit, brute!” Garrus called, and sure enough he turned to see a brute and a handful of husks barrelling out of the reaction chamber. He fired an incinerate at it and watched as the flames licked over it and disappeared. He sometimes wondered if it actually did any damage. As Garrus picked off the husks with ease, Joshua pulled out his assault rifle and began peppering the brute with shots. It noticed him right away, its attention fixed on him instead of just animalistic destruction.

The brute charged and Joshua dodge rolled out of the way, but it lashed out as he did so and caught him in a powerful backhand. He was thrown off his feet, landing on his front on the ground several feet away. The wind was completely knocked out of him, his chest plate shoving into his diaphragm and ribs. He was pretty sure he was about to be crushed.

Pain shot through his chest, he’d probably broken a rib or two, but he pushed himself to his knees and then rolled over to try and force himself to his feet, finding the brute was almost on top of him. He took a sharp, pained, breath that wouldn’t reach his lungs.

A shot rang out, right through the brute’s tiny head, reaper tech and the remaining flesh splattering all over the place. It fell, missing crushing him by mere centimetres. He fell back down, breathing slowly to try and convince the air to go back into his lungs.

“Shepard?” Garrus asked with great concern as he stepped past the brute’s massive body. But Joshua was in no way concerned with his own health.

“Kaidan.” he wheezed, pushing himself up onto his elbows and ignoring the pain.

“Well your brain’s not broken.” Garrus muttered dryly. “Kaidan?” he turned with his finger pressed to the ear of his helmet.

“I can’t raise him, Garrus.” Steve cut in, sounding apologetic and concerned. Joshua felt his blood run so cold he went numb, the pain in his ribs all but gone as he tried to keep remembering to breathe.

“Riley?” Garrus asked, looking at Joshua with cautious concern as he pushed himself to his feet.

“No sir.” Steve replied.

“Joshua take it easy.” Garrus warned him, but he was already stumbling down the walkway back to the extraction zone. “We have to finish the restart procedures.”

The tone of Garrus’s voice made him pause and turn around. He sounded both apologetic and upset. Joshua took a shaking breath, trying really hard not to turn into a mess before he even knew what had happened.

“K…Kaidan.”

“I know, but come here, we need to finish this.” Garrus insisted, only the conviction in his tone bringing Joshua back, shaking and taking sharp pained breaths as he typed in the restart codes. “I’m sure he’s fine Joshua, maybe their radios got damaged.”

Joshua shook his head, watching the progress on the screen and feeling like it was moving all too slowly. “If uh…If Kaidan’s…I-I can’t…”

The VI started up, “Start-up procedures completed, reactor online.”

Joshua spun right back around, ignoring the pain in his chest and rushing down the walkway. Garrus followed closely beside him.

“You’re injured.” he told him gently.

“ _Fuck_ being injured.” Joshua snapped, causing Garrus to fall silent because he never cursed and when he did he was usually beyond talking to.

If Kaidan was dead what was he supposed to do? The last time, every time, radio contact had been lost with _anyone_ they died. This was why he never split up his team anymore. This was why the suicide mission had been a _suicide_ mission. Every time he sent someone out of his sight then ended up dead and he…

There was no point in saving the galaxy if Kaidan wasn’t going to be in it once it was safe.

The journey across the plant was quick and silent, and when they finally came upon the living remainders of the team Joshua drew a sharp breath. There were four team members left standing, one was tending to a person on the ground, another was sitting, propped up by some crates. The other two were Captain Riley and Kaidan, talking to each other heatedly.

Captain Riley looked up to see them first. “Oh thank goodness! We couldn’t radio you, our radios got jammed by something, we were debating…”

Joshua walked right past her, not even really seeing her, just seeing Kaidan. Despite being in public, despite how very _not_ protocol it was, he wrapped an arm around Kaidan and rested the forehead of his helmet on Kaidan’s shoulder.

Kaidan responded by chuckling awkwardly.

“Shepard…” he said softly. Joshua shook his head. He didn’t know whether to be angry or happy or relieved, but right now he was definitely relieved. He was trying very hard to pretend that there weren’t tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over because Kaidan had been dead for all of five minutes and he didn’t think he could ever handle it if it happened again.

“We couldn’t have done this without you.” Captain Riley said awkwardly, probably to Garrus because _he_ wasn’t interested.

“Any news Commander?” Steve asked him anxiously. Joshua finally stood up straight again, pulling away from Kaidan and turning away from everyone completely to hide his face even though they couldn’t really see through his helmet.

He cleared his throat. “All good Steve, returning now.”

Without a second glance at Captain Riley or her team, Joshua returned to the shuttle. Garrus and Kaidan came as well a few moments later.

“Captain Riley sends her regards.” Garrus told him, the relief creeping into his voice as he tugged his helmet off. Joshua didn’t reply, caught up in the sharp pain in his chest and trying really hard to not be angry at Kaidan for running off like he had.

“I’m glad that everything worked out.” Steve said over his shoulder, steering the shuttle up and away from the plant effortlessly.

Kaidan pulled his helmet off too. “Me too.” he said, watching Joshua closely from across the shuttle.

“Joshua.” Garrus said across the shuttle, pointing at him with the jut of his chin. “Go to the medbay when we get back.”

Joshua sighed, keeping his helmet on for more reasons than because he was trying to hide his probably red and puffy eyes from them both. He was also eying Kaidan about as closely as Kaidan was eying him.

Kaidan frowned, “The medbay… You got hurt?”

Joshua shrugged.

“He got smacked around a bit by a brute.” Garrus told him, sounding mildly entertained. “Side tracked, I suppose.”

“Side tracked…” Kaidan muttered.

Joshua felt the shuttle settle as they arrived back in the hanger on the Normandy. There was a funny revving feeling the shuttle got as it set down and reacclimatised to the Normandy’s gravity. He stood up, trying desperately not to groan in pain as he did so.

“Another thirty seconds for decontamination.” Steve said, shutting down the shuttle and opening up the doors so that they could step out for decontamination as well.

“Did you use medigel?” Kaidan asked, following Joshua off of the shuttle and staying close.

“No.” Joshua answered.

“Why?” Kaidan pressed. Joshua clenched his teeth against the pain.

“Side tracked.” Garrus repeated.

“Decontamination is complete.” EDI told them over the cargo-bay intercom.

“Thanks EDI.” Joshua said, quickly heading over to the lift. “Get some rest Steve.” he remembered to call over his shoulder before getting out of earshot.

“Yes Commander.” Steve called back, poking his head out of the shuttle.

Kaidan followed him onto the lift, Garrus staying in the cargo-bay to take off his armour.

Kaidan settled beside him, still in full armour himself. “Joshua you haven’t taken off your helmet.” He told him gently. Joshua nodded slowly, reaching behind his neck to unclasp his helmet and then pull it off. Kaidan looked at him and he felt his face colour. “You thought something bad had happened to me when you couldn’t radio me, didn’t you?”

Joshua rubbed at his eyes with one hand, the other trying to hold his helmet without the weight causing pain. Kaidan took the helmet from him gently.

“I need to get to the medbay.” Joshua mumbled, trying to ignore the question.

“I was worried too.” Kaidan told him.

“ _I_ didn’t go running off without waiting for orders!” Joshua snapped, then inhaled sharply when he realised that he’d just snapped _at_ Kaidan. Someone was looking in his favour though, probably EDI, because the doors to the lift slid open and Joshua shuffled out.

He was shocked when Kaidan continued to follow him, looking a bit irked, but other than that keeping quiet now that they were in public.

“Oh Shepard what have you done to yourself _this time_?” Chakwas asked, looking up from her desk and turning around as he entered the medbay, recognising why he was doubled over immediately. “I trust _you_ are in one piece Major?”

“I am.” Kaidan confirmed, his voice neutral. “Shepard had a run in with a brute.” he told her.

Joshua sat on one of the patient tables, struggling to unbuckle his chest piece.

“Oh goodness, stay still Commander.” Chawkas chastised, batting away his hands and finding the buckles to his chest piece with no trouble at all after much practise with it. She lifted his under suit shirt and winced when she saw the damage he’d done. “Of course you saw fit to _not_ put medigel on it right away?” she asked, stepping over to her supplies and looking for the right medigel.

“It’s just minor.” Joshua muttered sourly.

“The current colour of your chest tells me otherwise, Commander.” she retorted, pulling out her topical medigel and pouring the packet onto her hands. Kaidan shuffled over to look at the damage, though whether it was for gloating purposes later or some other reason Joshua didn’t know. He winced too.

“God Shepard…” he ran a hand down his face.

“Now it’ll take longer to heal, if you’d got it fixed up right away we wouldn’t have this problem now.” Chakwas told him. “This won’t be comfortable.” she warned, pressing a hand into his chest gently and then with slight pressure.

Joshua felt something readjust and groaned softly as she ran the medigel over his skin.

The next few moments were equal part awkward and uncomfortable, feeling the medigel take effect almost right away on some of the pain, but also knowing exactly what Chakwas meant when she said it would take longer. He still felt odd, bones stitching together slowly as it took the gel longer to sink in than it would have if he’d just applied it right away.

Medigel worked better with broken skin anyways.

“You’ll need to try and keep the area clear while your skin absorbs the medigel.” Chakwas told him, glancing at Kaidan. “You should be clear to go now, Major, if you’d like, he doesn’t need an escort anymore.”

“No I uh…I’d like to stay actually, I have some words for him.” Kaidan stated evenly.

Chawkas fixed Joshua with a sarcastic look, “I think we all do sometimes, Major...” she turned back to Kaidan, “…all right, I’ll leave you boys alone. Behave.”

With that she promptly stepped out of the medbay, leaving Joshua with his chest piece sitting over his lap, his under suit shirt pushed up to his armpits, medigel cooling on his stomach, and Kaidan standing at the foot of the bed looking…weird.

The look on his face was odd, like he was stuck between trying to look frustrated, and looking concerned, and something else. Instead of saying anything he just stepped forward and started undoing Joshua’s gauntlets and shoulder pieces.

Joshua tried to move to help, but he felt stiff, his ribs still complaining when he moved too much. When Kaidan moved to help remove his under suit shirt he made sure he didn’t have to move too much, pulling his shirt up, forward, and over his head and then gently down his arms without making him lift them.

“If I hadn’t gone to help Captain Riley her whole squad would have ended up dead.” Kaidan told him, once he had his shirt in his hands. He took a step back, looking at Joshua defiantly. Joshua knew that, but the fact that Kaidan was right didn’t stop him from feeling anger rise in his belly.

“ _I_ didn’t want to split up the team ‘with an unknown enemy’.” Joshua snapped, his anger bubbling up before he could catch it. “ _You_ ran off without waiting for me to okay it.”

“I just did what you would have done in any other situation.” Kaidan told him sternly. Joshua clenched his teeth. Kaidan was right again, and he didn’t like it.

“Don’t ever do that again.” he grumbled, ignoring Kaidan’s statement entirely, his gaze falling to his knees. He thought of seeing Kaidan rushing off down the walkway and never being able to see him again.

“Shepard…”

“I don’t want you to…go off running like that again.”

“Okay, but why is it all right for you to do things like that any time, and I have to _wait for your ‘go ahead’_ to do it?” Kaidan asked, sounding supremely frustrated and on the verge of being angry. Joshua glanced up at him, running a hand over his chest and feeling only the slightest slick from the medigel left over.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Joshua said desperately, looking at Kaidan with equal desperation.

Kaidan stepped closer, setting his shirt over top of his chest piece and cupping his face in his hands, “I don’t want to lose you either Shepard, I _love you_.”

Joshua’s world stopped. He looked into Kaidan’s eyes for a good long moment, replaying the words he’d just heard over in his head several times before reaching up with a slightly shaking hand to touch the hair at Kaidan’s temple.

“What?” he asked, stomach flipping with uncertainty. He searched Kaidan’s eyes for a lie. Kaidan looked up at him nervously, a smile tugging at his lips.

“I love you.”

Joshua swallowed thickly, then leaned in, despite the slight tug in his ribs, to press a kiss to Kaidan’s lips.

“I-I love you too.” Joshua muttered, his lips brushing gently against Kaidan’s as he spoke.

Kaidan chuckled softly, “I know Shepard, I know, but the medbay has windows.”

“Sorry.” he mumbled, straightening up and glancing around himself helplessly. He wanted his hands to be all over Kaidan right now, unclasping and unbuckling his armour, to feel his skin against his.

“No worries.” Kaidan assured him gently, taking his shirt again for some reason. “I’m sorry I made you worry like that.”

Joshua didn’t know what to say to that, unsure if he should accept the apology and move on or press him to promise he’d never do it again…but pressing him could force repercussions on his side of the argument to, and he couldn’t actually promise something like that right now…or ever.

“It’s okay.” Joshua told him, collecting his pile of armour into his still stiff arms and shifting to get off of the bed.

“Uh, Chakwas said it’d take a while to heal.” Kaidan protested lightly, moving to block Joshua’s exit from the bed.

“Then I’d rather it heal in the captain’s cabin, because I don’t want to spend the next several hours sitting in the medbay when I could be working.” Joshua replied, turning so he could evade Kaidan’s block and slip off the side of the bed rather than the end of it.

“I think you should be resting.” Kaidan told him. “You’ve been up since before I was.” Joshua shrugged, looking at Kaidan, who _still_ had his shirt, and trying to decide the best course of action.

“Kaidan, I don’t have time to rest every time something takes a shot at me.” he insisted, giving him a genuinely apologetic look. It would make sense to tell any other person in the galaxy to rest, but he just didn’t have the option.

“Nonsense.” Kaidan said back, frowning at him. “And something didn’t just ‘take a shot’ at you, you just had several broken ribs and decided not to put medigel on it soon enough.”

Now Joshua frowned, wanting desperately to ignore Kaidan’s objections and just continue on his way to the cabin and read over any reports he may have read, write his own report on the mission for Hackett. He sighed, reaching out for the shirt in Kaidan’s hands.

“I need that back.” he told him gently, trying not to make him angry that he was dodging the subject.

“No.” Kaidan replied simply. “I’m going to come up and make sure you don’t get any work done, _or_ you’re going to stay here and Chakwas will. Either way, you’re not getting this back until the next time you need it.”

“What?” Joshua asked, confusion marking his features. He kept his hand out for the shirt, as if he hadn’t quite caught up with Kaidan’s downright refusal to return it to him.

“Either you stay here and I take all of your armour downstairs to be cleaned and maintained, or you go to your cabin and I come with you and make sure you get some rest.” Kaidan explained.

“But you’re still in your armour.” Joshua protested, as if that was the issue here.

“We’ll stop by the crew quarters and I’ll grab some fatigues, I’m not backing down on this Shepard.” Kaidan said sternly, leaning on one hip and putting his hand on it.

“You can’t tell me what to do.” Joshua insisted, beginning to turn away from Kaidan in a sheer show of defiance. He didn’t know if he was testing him or if he was genuinely trying to get away.

Kaidan’s cold gauntlet covered his shoulder. “I’m not giving you a choice.” he said, stepping up beside him. Joshua’s frown deepened, feeling odd that his protests weren’t being heard.

“Oh.” was all he could bring himself to say. Kaidan pressed his gauntlet against his back to urge him forward.

“Come on.” he muttered gently, “Let’s get you to bed.”

Joshua let himself be led from the medbay, not phased in the slightest that he was now wandering the crew deck with no shirt on. Anyone who noticed them took one look at the bruise which was still receding from his chest and ignored it, he was probably a bit swollen too. They wouldn’t expect him to get his shirt back on without some serious help. Help which Kaidan was apparently providing in the form of _not_ giving back his shirt.

He waited outside the crew quarters as Kaidan disappeared inside for a few minutes. He wondered if Kaidan would be really angry if he slipped away to the cabin and didn’t wait for him to come back. He decided that, yes, Kaidan would definitely be angry if that happened.

So he waited, and Kaidan emerged a few minutes later in his fatigues. “Adams is on break, said he’d bring my armour down for me when he goes back.” he explained, when Joshua looked at him in question. It didn’t matter if Kaidan was currently taking control of the situation, he couldn’t abide by leaving his armour just anywhere.

The answer was acceptable, though he would have chastised Kaidan at any other time for not just taking it down himself. This time he just nodded mutely, then frowned down at the collection of armour in his hands.

“Come on.” Kaidan urged, pressing his hand against Joshua’s back to coax him to move to the lift. This time his hand was bare, the contact odd and making Joshua shiver slightly. He wasn’t used to other people touching his skin, not that he was complaining that it was Kaidan just…it was odd.

Despite his reservations, despite the voice in the back of his head yelling that he should just scold Kaidan for his insubordination and go about his business, he allowed Kaidan to guide him to the lift and push the button for the captain’s cabin.

Then he realised something, as the doors shut and the lift began its journey up to the cabin. He glanced at Kaidan. “I-I love you.” he muttered, feeling a tightness in his chest which was equal affection and nerves. Maybe he’d just made it up.

A slow smile spread on Kaidan’s face and he turned to look at him too. “Yeah, I love you too.” he said.

The irony that Kaidan had been the one to say it first was not lost on Joshua, who was not able to resist the urge to transfer all of his armour into one hand and use his now free one to pull Kaidan in for a kiss.

He’d told Kaidan, once, on the SR-1 that he’d had feelings for him, but nothing like this. Nothing like reciprocation and kisses and warmth. It had been more like a moment of daring which was shot down when Kaidan reminded him of fraternisation regulations and said ‘and I’m sorry, but I’m just not…interested.’

This was Kaidan kissing him back for a short moment before the doors slid open, to his great frustration, and the warmth of Kaidan’s hands on his arm and neck. He still felt the warmth when the touch was gone, shuffling out of the lift and remembering that EDI was probably watching.

They came to the door of the cabin, which slid open easily, not knowing that the line it caused made both of them nervous. For a moment Joshua expected Kaidan to turn back to the elevator and just leave, say goodbye and leave him to his own devices after all, but when he paused in the doorway Kaidan walked past him and deposited his shirt on the desk before turning around.

Joshua stared at him for a moment, unsure whether he was supposed to feel indignant that ‘his space’ had just been invaded, or to feel very pleased that Kaidan had just invaded it.

“Come here.” Kaidan said to him, his smooth, yet husky voice drawing him forward. Without preamble Kaidan took his armour from him and set it on the table behind him. Joshua moved to try and undo his pelvic plate, but winced in doing so and Kaidan smiled at him, placing a hand on his shoulder to halt his movements, “I’ll get it.”

“Thanks.” Joshua mumbled, his cheeks colouring. He’d done this with gunshot wounds, other broken bones, and the tail effects of being poisoned by a batarian bartender before, always thinking he could just push through the pain, but it was sort of nice to have someone notice it and try to help him.

“So, what happened?” Kaidan asked, kneeling and fumbling around for a moment before successfully locating the clip on the plate and undoing it.

“Brute.” Joshua said simply, earning a ‘really?’ look and a raised eyebrow from Kaidan. He shrugged. “I dodge rolled about a quarter second too late and it caught me in the back as it charged past. Chest plates are hard when things hit them…both ways.” he shrugged. The hit had completely wiped out his newly recharged shields and made it so the impact was that much worse as well.

“Fair enough.” Kaidan replied softly. “You know, you haven’t been wearing your N7 armour recently.”

No, he hadn’t, but he wasn’t going to rise to answer that statement, it was loaded with the possibility of him getting himself in a great deal of trouble. He was pretty sure that Kaidan was going to say something along the lines of the N7 armour would have protected him better, but he didn’t believe that one bit. So he didn’t say anything as Kaidan switched to removing his leg pieces.

“You’re going to have to sit down for the boots.” Kaidan said, turning to glance back at the bed and then gesturing with his head in that direction. “Over there?”

Joshua glanced at the bed, then back down at Kaidan. “Sure, whatever you want.”

Kaidan stood up again, setting his leg pieces on top of the pelvic plate and his chest piece, then turning around and settling his hands on Joshua’s chest. He smiled lopsidedly, eyes slightly hooded as his gaze wandered his body. “Last time I saw you this naked was in your apartment on the Citadel.”

Joshua liked the thrum of pleasure that statement gave him, leaning in to kiss Kaidan gently. When Kaidan returned the kiss Joshua wrapped his arms stiffly around Kaidan’s shoulders. His chest still felt stiff, but it wasn’t causing him any more pain.

Kaidan broke the kiss before it could deepen, it ended up being a short meeting of lips instead of a heated meetings of lips, tongue, and teeth.

“Kaidan…” Joshua protested lamely.

“No, not when you’re supposed to be resting, that would be counter intuitive.” Kaidan replied. “Bed.” He pointed over to the bed and Joshua sighed softly, a faint pout on his face as he released Kaidan and wandered over to the bed without any more complaints.

He sat on the edge of the bed, glancing down at his chest and seeing that a slight bruise still remained, purple and angry, over the ribs down his side.

Kaidan followed him over, kneeling in front of him and easily unclipping the greaves of his armour and tugging them off. He set them down next to the bed and stood again, resting his hands on Joshua’s shoulders.

Joshua looked up at him and just watched him for a moment. Kaidan was beauty, heat, and confident control all at once. Joshua loved him, his face, his mind, his personality, his body. He wanted Kaidan to think the same things about him. Kaidan had said he loved him, and he had very few reasons to think he didn’t, but he never knew how long it would last.

There was no such thing as true love, he knew that. He didn’t expect eternal commitment just because a few pretty words were spoken. He’d chosen commitment to Kaidan a long time ago, but he didn’t know what Kaidan wanted. He was almost certain that this ‘love’ was just caused by the reaction he was having to the galaxy falling apart around them, that he needed someone to hold on to and Joshua just so happened to be the one. It was easy enough, because Joshua’s feelings were already there, and he didn’t need to win him over.

Even so, when one of Kaidan’s hands found its way to his face and began brushing his cheek gently, Joshua smiled affectionately up at Kaidan. The affection in his chest was so strong it hurt sometimes, he wanted to keep Kaidan to himself and let the galaxy deal with its own damn problems. He wanted to push him down onto the bed and whisper soft ‘I love yous’ between kisses as he worshiped his body.

“You’re really going to make me sleep, aren’t you?” Joshua asked. He was worried that he was going to have a nightmare with Kaidan right there, and that it would ruin everything. He’d been lucky enough not to have any on the nights in his apartment when people were around, but he wasn’t going to push that luck. It was entirely possible he was going to have one, he was having them almost every time he slept now.

Kaidan nodded, thumb running over his eyebrow. “You need to rest Shepard.”

Joshua sighed, accepting that this was his fate for the evening and shifting up the bed. He wasn’t going to sleep in his under suit though, and shimmied out of the pants before reaching the top of the blankets. He tossed the pants off of the side of the bed, the rest of his armour was absolutely everywhere anyways, then looked up at Kaidan in his full uniform in contrast to his almost full nudity.

He wasn’t so much a modest person, but having Kaidan watching him while he was completely naked and Kaidan was completely clothed was a bit embarrassing. He glanced off to the side, staring at the couches for a moment as his cheeks coloured.

“Are you going to sit there and watch me?” he asked, feeling awkward at just the thought of it. Kaidan chuckled, correctly reading his tone and question and undoing his shirt.

“No, I suppose not. I’ve been up nearly as long as you.” Kaidan admitted, dropping his shirt on top of Joshua’s greaves and then making quick work of his pants and boots. Joshua, deciding he was perfectly content with this turn of events, slipped under the blankets and watched at Kaidan slipped in beside him seconds later. “You’re…okay with this, right?” Kaidan asked.

Joshua was pretty sure he would have said something if he wasn’t, despite his uncertainties. “Yeah, absolutely.” he said, lying down in the bed with his back to Kaidan because, while he was okay with this, he wasn’t sure they were doing anything other than sharing a bed and sleeping.

Kaidan’s arm wound around his waist, his chin finding the crook of his neck and shoulder. “Good.”

Joshua didn’t say anything, afraid to ruin the moment or shatter the rosy, dreamlike, feeling he was having right now. He was concerned things were too perfect, but he snuggled back against Kaidan anyways. He closed his eyes, exhaustion hitting him hard just like every other time his head hit the pillow recently.

“Good night Shepard…I love you.” Kaidan whispered.

Joshua cracked his eyes open long enough to reply, “Good night Kaidan, I love you too.” before closing them again and promptly falling asleep in Kaidan’s arms.


End file.
